What could be better than this?

Great weekend. A couple birthday celebrations sandwiched in between an amazing trip to climb some rocks at Vantage. Just imagine... 45 degrees of sunshine blazing down as you hang from the side of some rock pillars. What could be better than that? Honestly? I'm not too sure. It was a great trip. A much needed trip for my sanity... to get outside and do stuff just feels good. Hopefully this type of activity will keep my cabin fever at bay for a little while longer as my knee continues to decide whether or not it feels like healing today, or maybe tomorrow. It's pretty indecisive... much like my occasional self. Ironic. Don't you think? [Alanis Morissette: Yeah, I really do think.] Thankfully, I've been given the gift of rock climbing during this time of patience and acceptance. Booya. Life is good.

Remembering

Yesterday as I got off work and walked to my bus stop, a swarm of fire trucks, ambulances, police cars and officers swarmed into my path.

As I got closer to the Macy's parking garage, I realized the cross walk was closed. An accident, or something, had happened. And when I rounded the bend to the other side of the street, it all came into light.

People everywhere were in a frenzy. Fingers pointed up to the top of the 9 story parking garage and traced each floor down to the ground... and that's when I realized... a man either jumped or was pushed off the top of the parking garage and fell to the ground moments before I had arrived to witness the event.

Instinctively, I looked into the window of the ambulance on the other side of the street. Seeing paramedics working hard to resuscitate the fallen victim, I turned away. What more could be done?

I write this post in remembrance of that man. Without knowing him, the struggles he faced or the joys he experienced, I ask each of you to say a prayer for his family. His friends. And that he would be remembered with joy and celebration... instead of defeat.

I am left hoping that with his frail departure he has met much hope and joy at the doors of eternity...

Bittersweet

It's a rainy Tuesday. Comforting actually. Feeling struck by the irony of life... that which your desires fail to match your ability to obtain them. Life that which seems stuck between a hard place and a rock, so to speak. Both a bitter taste and a sweet existence.

I suppose it is in these times that we must look to grow, even when the question remains: how much is there really left to grow? More patience? More trust? More faith? I suppose there's always more to grow, even when we feel helpless to water the seed.

Shauna Niequist writes it best, "Bittersweet is the practice of believing that we really do need the bitter and the sweet, and that a life of nothing but sweetness rots both your teeth and your soul. Bitter is what makes us strong, what forces us to push through, what helps us earn the lines on our faces and the calluses on our hands. Sweet is nice enough, but bittersweet is beautiful, nuanced, full of depth and complexity. Bittersweet is courageous, gutsy..."

What a beautiful concept, yet seemingly difficult to put to use. I don't feel courageous. Or gutsy. I feel stuck... Stuck between the desire to explore, run, hike and experience all the world's beauty and the inability to do just that.

And while frustration abounds in this seemingly small area of life, celebration and thankfulness conquer the remainder of life. Oh, how easy it is to let the bitter parts of life overtake the sweet ones. I suppose it is far better to fight for life-breathing perception than to submit and indulge in self pity.

"So, this is the work I'm doing now, and the work I invite you into: when life is sweet, say thank you and celebrate. And when life is bitter, say thank you and grow." And when life passes out the sweetness of sugar and the bitterness of chocolate? Then partake in the gift of togetherness with the joy of celebration and the hope of growth leading your every step forward.

J+D

Do not be afraid

Call me ignorant, an idealist, or even irrationally optimistic, but deep down in my heart I really do believe that all people are good, or at least are capable of being good. And all my life I've believed that the vast majority of the population even want to be good - regardless of their state or being [ie homeless, drug addict, selfish, wealth chaser, parents, children... really anything].

And, as any core belief should, this distinction of the human race has impacted how I interact with those around me. Perhaps I'm overly trusting. Perhaps I don't feel uneasy when I should. Perhaps I talk to the homeless and carry on conversations with random strangers too much... but at least this leads to an outflow of love.

Unfortunately, today I've come to realize that some people are just not good. And this makes my heart sad and kind of challenges everything. So, why? Well, here's the story:

This morning I hopped on the 358 at 6:40am just like any other day. As we got closer to Seattle I decided that I'd go to Starbucks and try their steamed vanilla milk [because I can't drink caffeine right now... and btw, it wasn't very good which makes this story all the more maddening because it could have been avoided]. Anyway, the Starbucks is one bus stop further than I usually go, on 3rd and Pike. It's also right near the McDonalds and Walgreens, which for some reason attract some pretty interesting people. Well, the bus stopped and literally the minute after I stepped off the bus there was a man by my side. It caught me by surprise, but it didn't initially scare me. I mean, this happens all the time.

But then he wouldn't go away.

And then I looked at him... and the vibe was just wrong. I don't really know how else to explain it. He started veering into me a little and I tried to get out of his way with little luck. You would think that when I crossed the street he would leave me alone. Or that when I opened the door and walked inside Starbucks that he would leave me alone. Well, he didn't. In fact he tried to pay for my drink with the cash he did not have in his wallet. When the barista mentioned something to him, he got irritated because they interrupted him while he was trying to get my number. Gross.

Well finally he and his friend that followed him in, slinked out. And the baristas behind the counter and I kinda laughed at the whole situation. Because what can you do other than laugh? Maybe cry. Because it was scary. More intimidating than the actions of this man was the vibe that I got when I looked into his eyes.

Well, when I got my drink and looked outside, they were standing there waiting for me to come out. We made eye contact. What creepers. Luckily I had a book and sat down at a table and pretended to read. Unfortunately that only provoked them to walk beside me on the other side of the glass and ask me to come outside again. I just shook my head no, tried to ignore the men and "read." Eventually they disappeared, but I could just feel their eyes waiting for me across the street to come out. Honestly? It really did scare me and I don't scare easily when it comes to strangers. Luckily I have the greatest boyfriend ever and he talked with me while I sat at Starbucks for a while and then also when I ended up venturing outside and walked the four blocks as quickly as I could to the safety of my office.

All of this to say, it just sucks that there are people out there that just want to antagonize. Where's the love? I know that sounds cheesy, but seriously? It makes me mad to think that someone would do that just for fun. I mean, honestly. Its pretty obvious that I'm not going to give this man my number. So why the hell did he try? Come on.

Well I decided to venture out of my office during lunch today and you know what? It was hard! It was difficult not to worry that some of the people I walked past wouldn't do the same thing as earlier. It was hard to not wonder if they were going to be bad people too. And instead of being overly carefree, I feel like I'm now going to be overly weary...

But, I really do believe that people are good. And I want to believe that the man I met this morning has at least a little good in him too. I can't let one bad experience hinder future interactions. Vulnerability leads to dependence on Jesus, and on Him I will depend. I just need to remember that the Lord goes before me and is with me. There's no need to be afraid. There's no need to feel discouraged.

Ok, here we go.

Remedy - ing

Well, I might just have to become a believer in homeopathy. It seems like my remedy is at least doing something... for better or worse, I'm not sure.

So, on Saturday I took the stuff knowing that on Sunday I should experience all my symptoms at once. Well, I totally did and it was crazy. My knee swelled up to a puffy balloon. It was pretty incredible really. And this was after I didn't do anything to aggravate my knee the day before. So strange. On top of that, my sinus issues came out in full force just as they were supposed to. Fortunately, the fact that I went to church and simply relaxed while watching the Superbowl made yesterday quite manageable despite how gross I felt.

But today... that's another story. My knees are both puffy, my hips ache unlike yesterday, and I feel like I have absolutely NO energy and feel like dead weight. And because I'm at work simply sitting in my chair trying to focus, I don't have anything to really distract my mind from how I'm feeling. And I'm trying not to have a pity party, but honestly? I just want to go home and curl up in bed. That's what I really want to do.

I really hope this thing works. I hope it doesn't make my knee worse, or cause my left knee to get messed up. I'm a little annoyed that both knees are inflamed right now.

You know, I really am an overly optimistic person... but its really hard to keep a year of frustration at bay.

Maybe I'll hire a personal cheerleader to keep me going. Send me your resume if you want to apply.

This is how serious I am

Oh the agony of it all! No caffeine for F-I-V-E W-E-E-K-S ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! How am I ever going to survive? You do realize what this means, right?

NO tea...

NO coffee...

NO. DIET. COKE.

All I have to say is that this sacrifice of mine better be worth it. Ok, so background info as to why I'm doing this [because obviously it is not by choice]: I went to a naturopath who specializes in homeopathy. If you don't know what that is, don't look it up. You won't get it. And neither do I. All I know is that it might/will/BETTER heal my knee. And so, I'm trying it.

And the remedy (yes...I know... remedy) requires NO CAFFEINE. Blah. FML.

If this act of will to abstain from my most favorite things doesn't prove how SERIOUS I am about getting my knee healed... then I don't know what will.

Ok, God. PLEASE do your thing through this. Amen.