My Heart

If we are to be disciples of Jesus, we must be made disciples supernaturally. And as long as we consciously maintain the determined purpose to be His disciples, we can be sure that we are not disciples. Jesus says, "You did not choose Me, but I chose you..." (John 15:16). That is the way the grace of God begins. It is a constraint we can never escape; we can disobey it, but we can never start it or produce it ourselves. We are drawn to God by a work of His supernatural grace, and we can never trace it back to find where the work began. Our Lord's making of a disciple is supernatural. He does not build on any natural capacity of our at all. God does not ask us to do the things that are naturally easy for us - He only asks us to do the things that we are perfectly fit to do through His grace, and that is where the cross we must bear will always come.

Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest

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I've never felt sorrow and joy so completely intertwined before. But I have for the last month or so... every day...

Its almost as if my heart feels the strain of this world... the cry of misplaced hope... the need for love and the feeling of failure. But then, the dichotomy of Hope leans right up against it too. The Hope of knowing and trusting in Jesus. The understanding that what is lost can be found... and is found. And although my feeble attempts often land me in the midst of "failure" (whatever that means), the Hope and Joy in my heart begins to fix me little by little. And I wish others would know this Truth too...

Oswald Chamber wrote, "He only asks us to do the things that we are perfectly fit to do through His grace, and that is where the cross we must bear will always come." Oh how my heart feels heavy when I read that! For the sorrow and pain in my soul reminds me that my life is messy... and this world has left fingerprints on my heart... but I somehow trust (I am left needing to trust) that the Joy and Hope that lives within me will outlast and transform the grime. It is what makes me whole. It calls me. Pushes me. Asks me to be something I don't think I can be. And I can't on my own. In my weakness he lifts my heavy heart to His and whispers ever so severely - and sweetly - that His strength can be sufficient. Rest in me. Rest under my wings and be loved by your Father who loves you. And oh, He does. He loves so utterly and completely that it almost hurts my heart... because it is so profound and real and... there.

Perhaps that is why my heart seems so heavy and joyful right now. Because His love is in the midst of my weakness... and perhaps, for right now at least, it is sustaining me. And all I can do is lean into it. Because me heart is so weak. It's always been weak. For I am simply a human trying to make some sense in this world. But He is filling my heart with Joy... And I am trying.

Bossy E

Have you ever heard of the Bossy E?

The name kind of evokes a little bit of apprehension, doesn't it? The Bossy E... I mean, it could stand for anything. For example, consider the Bossy Evil-doer. I'd really rather not meet that person face to face. Or perhaps, the Bossy Evangelical... equally terrifying if you ask me. The possibilities are simply endless... 

The Bossy 

Event Planner, 

Earwig, 

Earthquake, 

Easter Bunny, 

Embryo, 

Economist, 

Elephant, 

Emperor [penguin?], 

Enchanter...

The list goes on and on... but I'll stop.

In reality, the Bossy "E" is the letter than tells the "A" what to do. Get it?

You see, I never know how to spell scared/scarred. Which one is it? I could say that I'm either frightened or that my wound left it's trademark on my knee... but its just easier to either write scared or scarred.

I was discussing this with my teacher friend Carrie... and she taught me about the Bossy E. The Bossy E tells the A to say itself... you know, like "hey" except really its "A"...

Therefore, I now know that my left knee is scarred from a past turf burn and that dark, creepy places make me scared.

But, you know what... now that I'm writing this, I don't get it. Because it actually is all about the Rs... not the As. Somehow though, I now know that scarred has two Rs and that scared only has one R.

Well, I guess that still makes Carrie a good teacher because I at least remember which is which... I just don't remember why. Dangit! Oh well, we'll blame it on my bad memory because let's be honest here... I have a terrible memory... seriously terrible people. Sometimes I feel like I have early onset of Alzheimer's.

Alas, I won't let it scare me... I mean frighten... lest I confuse you again.