Do not be afraid

Call me ignorant, an idealist, or even irrationally optimistic, but deep down in my heart I really do believe that all people are good, or at least are capable of being good. And all my life I've believed that the vast majority of the population even want to be good - regardless of their state or being [ie homeless, drug addict, selfish, wealth chaser, parents, children... really anything].

And, as any core belief should, this distinction of the human race has impacted how I interact with those around me. Perhaps I'm overly trusting. Perhaps I don't feel uneasy when I should. Perhaps I talk to the homeless and carry on conversations with random strangers too much... but at least this leads to an outflow of love.

Unfortunately, today I've come to realize that some people are just not good. And this makes my heart sad and kind of challenges everything. So, why? Well, here's the story:

This morning I hopped on the 358 at 6:40am just like any other day. As we got closer to Seattle I decided that I'd go to Starbucks and try their steamed vanilla milk [because I can't drink caffeine right now... and btw, it wasn't very good which makes this story all the more maddening because it could have been avoided]. Anyway, the Starbucks is one bus stop further than I usually go, on 3rd and Pike. It's also right near the McDonalds and Walgreens, which for some reason attract some pretty interesting people. Well, the bus stopped and literally the minute after I stepped off the bus there was a man by my side. It caught me by surprise, but it didn't initially scare me. I mean, this happens all the time.

But then he wouldn't go away.

And then I looked at him... and the vibe was just wrong. I don't really know how else to explain it. He started veering into me a little and I tried to get out of his way with little luck. You would think that when I crossed the street he would leave me alone. Or that when I opened the door and walked inside Starbucks that he would leave me alone. Well, he didn't. In fact he tried to pay for my drink with the cash he did not have in his wallet. When the barista mentioned something to him, he got irritated because they interrupted him while he was trying to get my number. Gross.

Well finally he and his friend that followed him in, slinked out. And the baristas behind the counter and I kinda laughed at the whole situation. Because what can you do other than laugh? Maybe cry. Because it was scary. More intimidating than the actions of this man was the vibe that I got when I looked into his eyes.

Well, when I got my drink and looked outside, they were standing there waiting for me to come out. We made eye contact. What creepers. Luckily I had a book and sat down at a table and pretended to read. Unfortunately that only provoked them to walk beside me on the other side of the glass and ask me to come outside again. I just shook my head no, tried to ignore the men and "read." Eventually they disappeared, but I could just feel their eyes waiting for me across the street to come out. Honestly? It really did scare me and I don't scare easily when it comes to strangers. Luckily I have the greatest boyfriend ever and he talked with me while I sat at Starbucks for a while and then also when I ended up venturing outside and walked the four blocks as quickly as I could to the safety of my office.

All of this to say, it just sucks that there are people out there that just want to antagonize. Where's the love? I know that sounds cheesy, but seriously? It makes me mad to think that someone would do that just for fun. I mean, honestly. Its pretty obvious that I'm not going to give this man my number. So why the hell did he try? Come on.

Well I decided to venture out of my office during lunch today and you know what? It was hard! It was difficult not to worry that some of the people I walked past wouldn't do the same thing as earlier. It was hard to not wonder if they were going to be bad people too. And instead of being overly carefree, I feel like I'm now going to be overly weary...

But, I really do believe that people are good. And I want to believe that the man I met this morning has at least a little good in him too. I can't let one bad experience hinder future interactions. Vulnerability leads to dependence on Jesus, and on Him I will depend. I just need to remember that the Lord goes before me and is with me. There's no need to be afraid. There's no need to feel discouraged.

Ok, here we go.

Perceiving Reality: It's harder than you think.

Yesterday, I was waiting for the bus to go home when I saw three street cops stroll on by. They looked tough, as most Seattle cops do: Bully club on one hip, gun on the other. They sauntered past in an air of superiority [which annoyed me] with one had on their guns and their two eyes scouting the people around them. 

At that time, a homeless man from across the street jaywalked right in front of the cops. The three cops immediately stopped the man and began to ask interrogating questions and yell at him. It made me SO mad because if I were to jaywalk in front of them, I highly doubt that the cops would have yelled at me like they did that homeless man. I felt as if the cops were taking advantage of the fact that this man was homeless. Instead of treating him like the true human being that he is, they treated him like dirt... and it made me really angry.

[Since working in Seattle, I've seen a lot of people treat the homeless like crap. And that is just not ok. It's not right. Regardless of their circumstance, they are still real people. So, we should treat them how we want to be treated.]

But then reality threw a curve ball...

About ten minutes later, my bus rolled up and I got on... and the same homeless man that jaywalked, followed me on the bus and sat down across the aisle from me.

It wouldn't have been a problem at all except that he began talking to me... about money. 

[Now, I do have this one rule... I don't give out money to anyone on the streets because I'll never know what they actually use it for. Food is different... but I won't give out money.]

My perception of this man completely changed the minute he started talking and asking for bus money. I noticed that his eyes were completely blood shot, like he'd just gotten off a drinking binge. He also clearly lacked cognitive thinking and was unable to link two complete sentences together. He stumbled through his explanations and could barely form the words with his mouth. But the more alarming issue was that he couldn't seem to control his anger. And that scared me a little.

You see, I told him I didn't have any cash to give him. 

He instantly got angry and began cussing up a storm and called me a liar and other names that don't have enough value to repeat. I tired to tell him I only had a credit card and that it wouldn't help him. That made him even more angry. 

The unfortunate part was that I did in fact have cash with me. But I had an intuitive feeling that the man may have followed me on the bus and would follow me home if I gave him money. If I didn't give him money, he'd have to get off in the Ride Free zone, which is many freeway miles away from my home. I wanted him to get off. I wanted him to stop talking to me. Because of his inconsistent outbursts of anger, I was scared that he'd do something rash. And the worst part about it was that we were sitting in the back of the bus with no one else around. I had one stop to go until I knew others would get on the bus and could step in if something bad happened.

Fortunately, he seemed to realize that I wasn't going to give him money and he became calm again. He even apologized, said he hoped that he hadn't upset me and told me to have a good evening. But then he'd ask for money again. I'd say no. And he'd get angry again. This cycle happened several times.

Finally, we got to the next bus stop and more people got on (including one man I always see and who also gets off at my stop near my house... his familiar presence definitely put me at ease. I knew that it'd be OK now that he was there). I was able to tell the homeless man that I was sorry about the money, wished him an enjoyable evening as well, and then turned my iPod on as an attempt to drown out his continued random smattering of words.

Two stops later, he got off the bus.

-----

One man. Two experiences. Two completely opposing perceptions.  

Reality is hard to figure out. 

Perhaps the cops where simply trying to get the concept through the man's head that its not ok to jaywalk. Perhaps they weren't treating him unjustly. Then again, perhaps I'm just a naive girl who got scared for no reason at all.

And that's the thing... I'll never really know the truth about this man, where he was going or where he's been. 

I'm simply left asking what am I supposed to do with these two stories? How am I supposed to make sense out of them in my mind and heart?

I don't know.