And birds will sing

Too many questions. Too many uncertainties threaten to infiltrate the deep troughs of our hearts that hold and protect our most precious - and our most vulnerable - thoughts, hopes and dreams. The fears of failure and loneliness rest upon the tips of arrows as poison, aimed at all we want to be, experience and love. How to choose? How to be certain and know? Who wins the wrestling match when it lies within?

It's a false loneliness brought forth by an irrational fear of mistakes not yet made and that which may never be made... and as insecurities are forced into the light against our will, the heart and mind become tangled with doubt. Oh what to do?

Perhaps this is the answer that brings light to the dark places of the soul... and hope and freedom where chains were once bound...

This is the thing though... We create because we were made to create, having been made in the image of God, whose first role was Creator. He was and is a million different things, but in the beginning, he was a creator. That means something for us, I think. We were made to be the things that he is: forgivers, redeemers, second chance-givers, truth-tellers, hope-bringers. And we were certainly, absolutely, made to be creators.

If you were made to create, you won't feel whole and healthy and alive until you do. My husband is a pianist and songwriter, and you can set a timer by his need to play and create. If it's been too long, I can feel it in our house, like something gone bad in the refrigerator or a dead mouse in the walls. He was made to play, to sing, to create with sounds and notes and words, and when he doesn't, he's not himself...

Get up. Create like you're training for a marathon, methodically, day by day. Learn your tricks, find a friend, leave the dirty dishes in the sink for a while. This is your chance to become what you believe deep in your secret heart you might be. You are an artist, a guide, a prophet. You are a storyteller, a visionary, the Pied Piper himself. Do the work, learn the skills, and make art, because of what the act of creation will create in you. (Shauna Niequist)

And the act of creation will create life within... beautiful, joyous, redeeming and hope-filled life. A reason for celebration and dancing. Where the songs of birds can't be quieted, and the brilliance of color can't be shielded. Where the radiance of freedom blazes a path forth from deep within our hearts to touch those around us, so luminous that others can't help but stop and stand in awe and wonder at the very first creator. This is our mission... my mission. So why does the pondering of uncertainty and insecurity remain? Fear, get behind my back.

... And I'm left wondering if this makes sense to anyone other than me...

Do not be afraid

Call me ignorant, an idealist, or even irrationally optimistic, but deep down in my heart I really do believe that all people are good, or at least are capable of being good. And all my life I've believed that the vast majority of the population even want to be good - regardless of their state or being [ie homeless, drug addict, selfish, wealth chaser, parents, children... really anything].

And, as any core belief should, this distinction of the human race has impacted how I interact with those around me. Perhaps I'm overly trusting. Perhaps I don't feel uneasy when I should. Perhaps I talk to the homeless and carry on conversations with random strangers too much... but at least this leads to an outflow of love.

Unfortunately, today I've come to realize that some people are just not good. And this makes my heart sad and kind of challenges everything. So, why? Well, here's the story:

This morning I hopped on the 358 at 6:40am just like any other day. As we got closer to Seattle I decided that I'd go to Starbucks and try their steamed vanilla milk [because I can't drink caffeine right now... and btw, it wasn't very good which makes this story all the more maddening because it could have been avoided]. Anyway, the Starbucks is one bus stop further than I usually go, on 3rd and Pike. It's also right near the McDonalds and Walgreens, which for some reason attract some pretty interesting people. Well, the bus stopped and literally the minute after I stepped off the bus there was a man by my side. It caught me by surprise, but it didn't initially scare me. I mean, this happens all the time.

But then he wouldn't go away.

And then I looked at him... and the vibe was just wrong. I don't really know how else to explain it. He started veering into me a little and I tried to get out of his way with little luck. You would think that when I crossed the street he would leave me alone. Or that when I opened the door and walked inside Starbucks that he would leave me alone. Well, he didn't. In fact he tried to pay for my drink with the cash he did not have in his wallet. When the barista mentioned something to him, he got irritated because they interrupted him while he was trying to get my number. Gross.

Well finally he and his friend that followed him in, slinked out. And the baristas behind the counter and I kinda laughed at the whole situation. Because what can you do other than laugh? Maybe cry. Because it was scary. More intimidating than the actions of this man was the vibe that I got when I looked into his eyes.

Well, when I got my drink and looked outside, they were standing there waiting for me to come out. We made eye contact. What creepers. Luckily I had a book and sat down at a table and pretended to read. Unfortunately that only provoked them to walk beside me on the other side of the glass and ask me to come outside again. I just shook my head no, tried to ignore the men and "read." Eventually they disappeared, but I could just feel their eyes waiting for me across the street to come out. Honestly? It really did scare me and I don't scare easily when it comes to strangers. Luckily I have the greatest boyfriend ever and he talked with me while I sat at Starbucks for a while and then also when I ended up venturing outside and walked the four blocks as quickly as I could to the safety of my office.

All of this to say, it just sucks that there are people out there that just want to antagonize. Where's the love? I know that sounds cheesy, but seriously? It makes me mad to think that someone would do that just for fun. I mean, honestly. Its pretty obvious that I'm not going to give this man my number. So why the hell did he try? Come on.

Well I decided to venture out of my office during lunch today and you know what? It was hard! It was difficult not to worry that some of the people I walked past wouldn't do the same thing as earlier. It was hard to not wonder if they were going to be bad people too. And instead of being overly carefree, I feel like I'm now going to be overly weary...

But, I really do believe that people are good. And I want to believe that the man I met this morning has at least a little good in him too. I can't let one bad experience hinder future interactions. Vulnerability leads to dependence on Jesus, and on Him I will depend. I just need to remember that the Lord goes before me and is with me. There's no need to be afraid. There's no need to feel discouraged.

Ok, here we go.

No Envy. No Fear.

Some are reaching, few are there

Wandering from a heros chair

Some are scared to fly so high

Well this is how we have to try

Have no envy and no fear

Have no envy

No fear

Brother, brother we all see

You're hiding out so painfully

See yourself come out to play

A lovers rain will wash away

Your envy and your fear

So have no envy, no fear

When your sister turns to leave

Only when she's most in need

Take away the cause of pain

By showing her we're all the same

Have no envy, no fear

Have no envy, no fear

Every day we try to find

We search our hearts and our minds

The place we used to call our home

Can't be found when we're alone

So have no envy, no fear

Have no envy, no fear