Oh, my life...

Oh man. What a crazy week its been... Baker done, moving done... now to catch up on everything else... updates and all...

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Baker was amazing... the hardest thing I've ever done. Simply beautiful and life changing: Repelling into never ending crevasses, walking over snow bridges that make you wonder if they'll hold, climbing on the steepest slopes that make you worry about slipping and falling down the mountain. All in all, amazing. There are no words to describe how I really feel. No way to convey the true meaning of the experience... I'm simply left standing in awe of so many things... still processing and wondering... And of course already getting ready and excited for more mountains next summer. St. Helens and Baker have been a beginning to something big and meaningful in my life. Its still undefinable, but its in the process of manifesting itself. Its a pretty cool thing.

I moved this weekend too. Still living in Greenlake... just now in a house instead of the townhouse. The adjustment has begun. Chaotic, dishevelment describes the scene in our house as belongings are unorganized and thrown randomly throughout the house. In time everything will be in order. I like my room. It's green, inviting, relaxing, pretty... :) Makes me happy. Spiders are going to be an issue... i'm a wuss when it comes to spiders... but maybe it'll help me become even more tough... or something... i'll keep you posted. So far the count is up to 6 killed... and we've only been living there for three days. Oh man.

This weekend was fun. I am happy. Things are well.

Oh life, how I love thee.

I'm not even a mountaineer... what am I doing?

As one of my friends put it yesterday, "What? St. Helen's wasn't enough for you?"

Well, I guess not because this weekend I will be standing on the summit of Mt. Baker at 10,781 ft (the 4th highest summit in Washington)... that is... if I make it.

Yep, friends its true. I'm climbing Mt. Baker this weekend. And its going to be pretty interesting. Baker is in a league of its own... the climb requires crampons, ice axes, roping in with harnesses,and crossing crevasses on the Easton Glacier of Mt. Baker. 

By definition, this will be the hardest thing I will ever do in my life [that is, until I climb Rainier... but that won't be this year]. But that's the beauty of it. 

A while back, a friend asked me why I like hiking/climbing so much. And here's the reason: because it is a challenge. You have to work hard and stretch yourself beyond what you think you can handle in order to earn the reward of seeing and experiencing an unknown beauty that most will never get to see. It's special because its rare. And it means more, because it takes work. But the reward is always worth it. You're never left disappointed. And you learn the lesson that perseverance and effort give way to great joy and peace... the type that can only be experienced through trial and redemption.

And so I find myself yet again at the base of a challenge, ready to persevere to the top, to once again see beauty defined.

And when I feel like quitting, when snow bridges and crevasses scare the heck out of me, I will keep taking one more step toward the goal. If weather doesn't turn us around, I will make it to the top. 

Joyfully.

Intentionally pursued.

With arms wide open

And heartfelt gratitude.

This is for Him.

Perceiving Reality: It's harder than you think.

Yesterday, I was waiting for the bus to go home when I saw three street cops stroll on by. They looked tough, as most Seattle cops do: Bully club on one hip, gun on the other. They sauntered past in an air of superiority [which annoyed me] with one had on their guns and their two eyes scouting the people around them. 

At that time, a homeless man from across the street jaywalked right in front of the cops. The three cops immediately stopped the man and began to ask interrogating questions and yell at him. It made me SO mad because if I were to jaywalk in front of them, I highly doubt that the cops would have yelled at me like they did that homeless man. I felt as if the cops were taking advantage of the fact that this man was homeless. Instead of treating him like the true human being that he is, they treated him like dirt... and it made me really angry.

[Since working in Seattle, I've seen a lot of people treat the homeless like crap. And that is just not ok. It's not right. Regardless of their circumstance, they are still real people. So, we should treat them how we want to be treated.]

But then reality threw a curve ball...

About ten minutes later, my bus rolled up and I got on... and the same homeless man that jaywalked, followed me on the bus and sat down across the aisle from me.

It wouldn't have been a problem at all except that he began talking to me... about money. 

[Now, I do have this one rule... I don't give out money to anyone on the streets because I'll never know what they actually use it for. Food is different... but I won't give out money.]

My perception of this man completely changed the minute he started talking and asking for bus money. I noticed that his eyes were completely blood shot, like he'd just gotten off a drinking binge. He also clearly lacked cognitive thinking and was unable to link two complete sentences together. He stumbled through his explanations and could barely form the words with his mouth. But the more alarming issue was that he couldn't seem to control his anger. And that scared me a little.

You see, I told him I didn't have any cash to give him. 

He instantly got angry and began cussing up a storm and called me a liar and other names that don't have enough value to repeat. I tired to tell him I only had a credit card and that it wouldn't help him. That made him even more angry. 

The unfortunate part was that I did in fact have cash with me. But I had an intuitive feeling that the man may have followed me on the bus and would follow me home if I gave him money. If I didn't give him money, he'd have to get off in the Ride Free zone, which is many freeway miles away from my home. I wanted him to get off. I wanted him to stop talking to me. Because of his inconsistent outbursts of anger, I was scared that he'd do something rash. And the worst part about it was that we were sitting in the back of the bus with no one else around. I had one stop to go until I knew others would get on the bus and could step in if something bad happened.

Fortunately, he seemed to realize that I wasn't going to give him money and he became calm again. He even apologized, said he hoped that he hadn't upset me and told me to have a good evening. But then he'd ask for money again. I'd say no. And he'd get angry again. This cycle happened several times.

Finally, we got to the next bus stop and more people got on (including one man I always see and who also gets off at my stop near my house... his familiar presence definitely put me at ease. I knew that it'd be OK now that he was there). I was able to tell the homeless man that I was sorry about the money, wished him an enjoyable evening as well, and then turned my iPod on as an attempt to drown out his continued random smattering of words.

Two stops later, he got off the bus.

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One man. Two experiences. Two completely opposing perceptions.  

Reality is hard to figure out. 

Perhaps the cops where simply trying to get the concept through the man's head that its not ok to jaywalk. Perhaps they weren't treating him unjustly. Then again, perhaps I'm just a naive girl who got scared for no reason at all.

And that's the thing... I'll never really know the truth about this man, where he was going or where he's been. 

I'm simply left asking what am I supposed to do with these two stories? How am I supposed to make sense out of them in my mind and heart?

I don't know.

Bossy E

Have you ever heard of the Bossy E?

The name kind of evokes a little bit of apprehension, doesn't it? The Bossy E... I mean, it could stand for anything. For example, consider the Bossy Evil-doer. I'd really rather not meet that person face to face. Or perhaps, the Bossy Evangelical... equally terrifying if you ask me. The possibilities are simply endless... 

The Bossy 

Event Planner, 

Earwig, 

Earthquake, 

Easter Bunny, 

Embryo, 

Economist, 

Elephant, 

Emperor [penguin?], 

Enchanter...

The list goes on and on... but I'll stop.

In reality, the Bossy "E" is the letter than tells the "A" what to do. Get it?

You see, I never know how to spell scared/scarred. Which one is it? I could say that I'm either frightened or that my wound left it's trademark on my knee... but its just easier to either write scared or scarred.

I was discussing this with my teacher friend Carrie... and she taught me about the Bossy E. The Bossy E tells the A to say itself... you know, like "hey" except really its "A"...

Therefore, I now know that my left knee is scarred from a past turf burn and that dark, creepy places make me scared.

But, you know what... now that I'm writing this, I don't get it. Because it actually is all about the Rs... not the As. Somehow though, I now know that scarred has two Rs and that scared only has one R.

Well, I guess that still makes Carrie a good teacher because I at least remember which is which... I just don't remember why. Dangit! Oh well, we'll blame it on my bad memory because let's be honest here... I have a terrible memory... seriously terrible people. Sometimes I feel like I have early onset of Alzheimer's.

Alas, I won't let it scare me... I mean frighten... lest I confuse you again.

Living la vida loca

• 90% of the time I wake up late in the morning... which means that almost always I am finishing my make up at the bus stop... and every so often one of my "bus friends" are there and watch me... and then i feel a little foolish... this happened this morning. The girl just laughed at me. I just smiled and laughed back. I woke up so late that I only had 10 minutes this morning to get ready - and honestly - doing my make up before the bus stop just isn't important enough to be late to work. Now I can still leave today at 4... therefore, monday is already a success.
• One of my favorite things about weddings - aside from the actual two becoming one thing - is the... dancing. Its my most favorite thing of all time. No joke. Simply put, I was born to - yes - dance. Chelsea and Travis got married on Saturday and it was a beautifully, perfect wedding! And in celebration of their unity, I didn't leave the dance floor one time... it was a perfect night... and my heart was happy.
• My mom turned 50 on Sunday. She has a bucket list - yes like the movie - and crossed one of her items off this weekend... riding in a hot air balloon. Because of that, her birthday was one of happiness instead of sadness about turning older. She has a lot more of life to experience and that's an exciting thing. Good job Mom on your life perspective! I'm proud of you! And I love you. And let's be honest... 50 really isn't that old anyway.
• I'm moving later this month. And for the first time I have the opportunity to paint my room... and so I am... Shagreen people. Shagreen. It just makes sense.
• I climbed Mt. St. Helen's on July 26th. I think I'm going to climb Mt. Baker on August 22-23rd. And I'm scarred. (or is it scared? I always forget...) It's going to be hard... like the hardest thing I've done in my life. Maybe that means I have to do it. We'll see what happens or if I'm too chicken to say yes.
• I saw a friend I haven't seen in forever yesterday. It was good. 
• One word about tonight... SOCCER! We will win. Like we always do. And again, my heart is happy.
• I found out yesterday that two of my GUY friends sat down a year ago and made predictions about what would happen in a bunch of our friends lives... including mine. Apparently they've predicted who I am (or maybe am not) going to marry... But they won't tell me who... they say they don't want to jinx it. And for some reason, I have a feeling that whatever they predicted will come true. Because one of their predictions have already come true with another friend. But now I'm left with my curiosity. But whatever. Lets be honest... I'm probably going to get married when I'm like 30. And it'll probably be to someone who's like 40... what can I say? until then... I'm just living life. And it is good. And I am loving it. 

Author Unknown

"Some people do not have to search, for they find their niche early in life and rest there seemingly contented and resigned. At times, I envy them but usually I do not understand them... And seldom do they understand me. I am one of those searchers. There are, I believe, millions of us. We are not unhappy, but neither are we completely content. We continue to explore ourselves, hoping to understand. We like to walk along the beach; we are drawn to the ocean, taken by its power and unceasing motion; its mystery and unspeakable beauty. We like forests, mountains, deserts, hidden rivers, and lovely cities as well. Our sadness is as much a part of our lives as our laughter. We are ambitious for life itself and for anything beautiful it can provide. Most of all, we want to love and be loved; to live in a relationship that will not impede our wanderings and prevent our search. We do not want to prove ourselves to others or compete for love. This passage is for wanderers, dreamers, and lovers who dare to ask of life everything which is good and beautiful."

Mt. St. Helens - July 26th, 2009

Because He Responds

They say, "be careful what you ask for because you might actually get it."

Well, that's how I feel sometimes when it comes to prayer and God... because He responds.

Some of you know that this summer marked the end of a 6 year journey of serving Westminster's youth ministry. Wow. That number 6 still seems remarkable to me... a lot happened in those 6 years that I will always treasure. 

Now that I've taken a break from "ministry," I often get the question... "where are you going to serve now? What's your next step?"

Well, one thing about ministry is that when you're in it, you kind of feel like you can check off the "service" box as complete. Like, yeah, of course I'm serving others all the time because... gosh, I'm a part of a ministry! I serve these kids and therefore, my job is done. And while yes, that is undoubtedly true... I was serving those kids with all my heart and I do not want to diminish or devalue that truth... I think a part of me forgot what it really means to serve everyone else. That's a much harder "box" to check off.

So, that's my answer. This next year is about service and re-learning what serving others really means. And I can tell you already... even though its only been about a month... this is going to be a difficult year of learning. It's hard to admit, but the truth is that I jumped into this year of "service-discovery" without first realizing what I was signing up for. And to be honest, I think it had to be that way, otherwise I'm not sure I would have chosen it. 

You see, God responds when we commit to something, when we decide to do something and when we ask for help. And that's when He begins to put things in our lives that requires us to step outside of ourselves and actually learn what we've asked to learn. 

And that's why this is hard. Because service requires selflessness... and if you know me... then you know that's something I struggle with. Selflessness.

But I do want to learn. And so I'm going to try. Its proving to be difficult. 

But God responded. So, now its my turn.